Hamilton Nolan Says Smart Shit

Here we learn things about blog things

2008-01-19T19:13:00.001-08:00

Technorati Tags: learning,fun,edumacation

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The Times has No Time For You Outliers

2008-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Good riddance, NYT regional editorial pages. I've yet to meet the suburban resident who turns to the paper of record for anything other than a thrill at seeing their little burg mentioned. The local rag in your tiny nook of Connecticut, or Long Island, or Jersey is much better-positioned to take ownership of fast-breaking local opinion shifts on crucial pot hole and strip mall development issues than the Times is. The paper's assertion that:

While the section is changing, the editorial department’s commitment to presenting issues and opinions of importance to New York City and the region remains as strong as ever.

Is a bit fatuous, but there's no doubt that whatever dollars they save on these cuts can be better spent keeping star national reporters deep in free sushi, and star sports reporters out of the clutches of ESPN.

And, good Christ, let's hope this also spells the end of "The Suburban Life." We all live in NYC to avoid that curse, not to be reminded of it in our morning papers.

Dick Cavett Must Be Stopped

2008-01-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

The New York Times does not have a job for you, but they do have a blog for Dick Cavett, a man in touch with the young and technologically savvy audience the paper needs so desperately to reach. Here, a helpful condensation of Cavett's take on these interwebs and the best part of his blogging job-- you!

You might not guess that at least half the fun of doing this column is getting to read your “comments,” as they are called on the website... They’re literate, funny, well-composed and, in many cases, what I would call “publishable.” (With, of course, a real dumbo here and there for contrast.)... But back to your “mail” — as I call it... “Dear Dick Cavett: YOU LITTLE SAWED OFF FAGGOT COMMUNIST SHRIMP!”

Dick Cavett, I am coming for you and your motherfucking commenters. Coming to get you. Oh yes I am.

Afternoon Papers: What the Fuck?

2008-01-01T19:04:00.001-08:00

There is absolutely no reason that an "afternoon" paper should exist in the internet age. Online news is updated morning, mid-morning, noon, afternoon, and night, and any company hanging their hat on an afternoon edition that's in competition with a normal morning daily is locked into a declining business model.

Despite that, there were still 614 afternoon dailies in America as of 2006. Make that 613; The Cincinnati Post predictably folded December 31, after a tenfold circulation decline in the past 45 years. How did the Post celebrate its finale after 126 years? By warning staffers not to bring any alcohol to work the last day.

Um, awesome. Further, the editor "declined all requests by other media for access to the newsroom in the days leading up to December 31."

Now write some common sense platitudes about the internet encouraging openness in media organizations and send them to the Cincinnati Post via carrier pigeon. They don't have e-mail.

In 100 Years, Predictions Will Still Exist

2007-12-30T17:46:00.000-08:00

The Times' City section, normally home to tearjerker poverty-in-our-midst stories and unique-slice-of-metro-life pieces by wide-eyed Columbia J school freelancers, is now in the business of predicting the future! History buff Jim Rasenberger does the New Year up crystal ball style, soliciting predictions from ten "knowledgeable" New Yorkers about how the city will look in 2108.

But what's this-- one of the predictors is a 12 year-old girl? And the only member of the media is Kim Hastreiter, co-editor of Paper magazine, who spends her space spouting useless bromides about global warming and Keith Haring and whatnot? And not a single robot prostitute?

Very unhelpful, Rasenberger. We solicited our own predictions from the New York media elite, widely acknowledged to be the most consequential people in our country.

-- Katie Couric, anchor, CBS News
The future will be time of great importance in America. Women will make great strides towards equality. The public will be much less hateful towards women in positions of power. Early pioneers of women's rights, like those who blazed the trail for women to sit in network anchor chairs and persevered over low ratings and snide remarks, will be remembered as heroes. Dan Rather will be long dead in a dusty, forgotten Texas grave.

-- Rupert Murdoch, CEO, News Corp.
The New York Times will be a small, weekly circular distributed exclusively within my grandson's apartment, featuring whimsical anecdotes of interesting happenings within News Corp. Arthur Sulzberger's grandson will serve mine in a relationship much like the one central to "The Kite Runner." The Times' past Pulitzer prizes will be melted down and smelted into a bust of me that will adorn my headstone inside my mausoleum. Which will be located in the current New York Times building.

-- Laurel Touby, founder and CEO, Mediabistro.com
Though terrorism and environmental degradation will undoubtedly become even more serious issues in the next century, the demand for cocktail parties will remain strong. For more thoughts, sign up online now for "How to Write Futurist Stories," only at mediabistro.com.

-- Katie Kardashian, aspiring journalist, 12 year-old
I will not be able to find a job with a newspaper. I will become a blogger and make lots of money. Then a newspaper will try to hire me but I will laugh and laugh at them.

-- Cindy Adams, gossip columnist, New York Post
Dare I even dream it.... MANGO martinis? See you in Times Square, 2108, kids!

Rapping "For the Love" Now the Only Option

2007-12-30T16:07:00.000-08:00

Two things should be noted right up front in any discussion of NYT music critic Kelfa Sanneh: he is not an attractive, dreadlocked female Kenyan emigre, but rather a Harvard man; and he once played in a band called Hypertrophy Shit Straw. Despite those obstacles, he has succeeded in writing one of the most perceptive articles in recent memory about the current spectacular suckiness of the Hip Hop industry. Aspiring rap stars, please abandon your dreams at the door.

The numbers are just bad. Rap sales fell more than 20% from 2005-2006, and that decline is continuing. 50 Cent's last mediocre album, "Curtis," sold only 1.2 million copies, down from 5 million for his previous mediocre album (perhaps this is why, a reliable source tells me, 50 is now in the process of getting ALL of his tattoos lasered off his body-- more on this breaking story as it develops). Kanye West didn't even crack 2 million albums sold this year, and UGK's latest joint hasn't even gone gold yet, even with the aid of the highly publicized death of one of its members. As Sanneh puts it, rappers now have "no alternative but to work harder, and for fewer rewards."

What does this mean for you, New York casual rap fan? It means more motherfuckers aggressively hawking their CDs outside of the Virgin Superstore. It means more MCs repetitively hollering their MySpace addresses while on stage. And it means that unlike the average shitty indie band, the average shitty rapper will have an increasingly hard time drawing crowds, media coverage, and skinny white teenage groupies.

But look on the bright side! It also means fewer ridiculous videos of broke ass rappers surrounded by rented Bentleys, fewer McDonald's commercials featuring groups of demographically correct "urban" individuals breaking into spontaneous rhymes about Big Macs, and slightly less annoying ringtones. Hip hop will eventually become a genre similar to Jazz: obsessed over by hardcore fans, but far from lucrative. And while underground heads from Queensbridge to the South Bronx pray that this trend will not jeopardize the future of MTV's "Celebrity Rap Superstar," it almost certainly will.

The Future is Plastics

2007-12-30T15:40:00.000-08:00

Are you an insecure woman desperately seeking plastic surgery, but held back by morality, sincerity, or plaintive wails of "You're not my mommy any more?" The New York Times extends a hand in sympathy! In a reassuring, Up With People-style piece entitled "Hey, It's Still Me Here," the Times finds that facelifts, nose jobs, and breast inflations can sometimes make old friends believe that you are, well, a little weird. But a little journalistic digging reveals that those people are just unsupportive jerks!

Lois W. Stern, plastic surgery patient AND author of a plastic surgery book, was forced to take the drastic step of firing a hairdresser who wasn't sufficiently impressed with her facelift.

“I could feel something in the air, there was a different tone — and I left her because of that,” said Ms. Stern, who lives on Long Island. “With some people, their value system says it’s a frivolous thing.”

On Long Island, at that! But the problem even extends to the West Coast. Orange County Register columnist and founder of "WomanSage, a group for middle-aged women" Jane Glenn Haas told the Times that her own flesh and blood turned against her after she used an inheritance to get her "walrus"-looking face cleaned up. But she loved herself too much!

Ms. Haas told her son to get over it. “I was very pleased with the way I looked,” she said.

Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Brent Moelleken finally offers those on the fence a bulletproof solution to warding off the sideways glances of the jealous: "If you're open about it, you're unembarassable," he said.

Moelleken then licked the remaining bits off Cheez-Wiz off of his lunch, hopped in his American-made sports car, turned up the Celine Dion, and drove to Disney World, where he had sex with Nicole Kidman.